Saving You from Yourself: Five Action Steps to Heal from the Superwoman Syndrome
Photo by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash
“As women of color, our culture, norms, values, and history have taught us that we must be everything to everyone all the time, and we are expected to do so without any support. We are expected to be home taking care of our family (however defined), go to work, deal with racial and gender discrimination, be twice as good, work twice as hard, and be the epitome of health. It is impossible and we know it, so it is no wonder many of us shy away when it comes to taking on even more… According to the American Psychological Association, the Sojourner Syndrome and the Superwoman Schema (SWS) concepts are used to explain the phenomenon of early onset of morbidity among African American women in response to persistent chronic stress and active coping associated with meeting day-to-day demands and having multiple caregiver roles.” This is a passage from my book “Our Leadership Journey: Shared Stories, Lessons and Advice for Women of Color.”
We are doing way too much. And we need to stop. I know it is easier said than done, but when you look at it from the perspective that we are killing ourselves, the urgency to change our behaviors in order to increase our health outcomes becomes heightened.
First. Believe that your life is just as valuable as everyone else’s. We don’t value ourselves as much as we should. This is evident in countless studies and in the statistics around our morbidity. We take so much time taking care of other people’s well-being, we neglect our own. We need to stop and take time to reflect on what we need, prioritize those needs and get to a place where we are giving from an overflow and not taking way from already depleted resources.
Second. Shift from a “responsible for” to a “responsible to” mindset when it comes to others. We are only responsible for ourselves. We are responsible to others. Understanding the difference between the two makes a huge difference in setting health boundaries for ourselves. Being “responsible for” means taking ownership of the thoughts, behaviors and actions of others, which we have no control over. Being “responsible to” means advising and guiding others toward behaviors and actions they should take, and leaving it up to them to make the decision to do so.
Third. Remember that you are human and that you can break. While I am a strong believer that we are divine beings and that we can take on more than most, that does not mean that we should.
There is a song by Goapele call Strong as glass. The chorus reads:
Cause I'm only strong as glass
They say I'm built to last but I could break
Yeah, I'm only strong as glass
and I am all I have so if I break, there's no more
Our bodies can break, our minds can break, our souls can break. We are doing ourselves a disservice if we do not accept this. Taking care of ourselves and making ourselves a priority is not selfish. It is necessary for our survival.
Fourth. Love yourself. Self-love is major, especially when we are socialized to hate ourselves. Remember, Love is an action, not an emotion. In her book All about Love, Belle Hooks wrote, “Love as ‘the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.’ Love is as love does. Love is an act of will–namely, both an intention and an action.”
Fifth. Get help. Professional mental help if need it. Don’t be afraid to go see a therapist or other mental health professional when it all becomes too much. As a matter of fact, go see them before it become too much so that you can stop it from getting there. Everyone else’s burdens are not yours to bear. Even some of your burdens are not meant for you to carry alone.
For some of us, we may not even realize that we that we are just doing too damn much. Sometimes it helps for us to just sit and reflect.
Take some time and ask yourself the following:
Am I suffering or have ever suffered from the Superwoman complex?
What has been the implications (mental, physical, emotional) of trying to be Superwoman?
Has my upbringing played a role in my perception of having to be Superwoman? How so?
What steps can I take to break the habit of trying to do everything and be everyone to the people in your personal and professional life?
I would love for you all to share your stories with me. Please email me at info@waajidasmall.com with any questions or to provide any insight or advice to fellow readers. This is a very important topic and I would like to know what your experiences have been.